Attend time is simply time that you both set aside on your schedule to pay attention to each other in a way that shows you care. Recently I was knocked down by a Submitted by vabeachgal on Sat, 04/15/2017 - 18:15. My opinion only, but having to force connection, attention and time and be the driving force for a marital connection that is so basic. well, that seems hollow to me also. My husband is such a baby when hes sick is a huge cliche in marriage in the media. I often try to put myself in his shoes and think "God I am so happy I am not like that". Female here sick and tired of whiny twats like you. When he is having a great day, like this past Saturday, my efforts were worth it but I won't pretend that he is fixed. I have a high pain threshold and never take any days off sick. Second, gently encourage him to connect. There absolutely is an empathy and emotional disconnect which fuels this, and without that empathy the rest of the ADHD partner's response is heavily coloured. No words. I hope he gets the help he needs! If one person or the other (man or woman) are in a relationship and only use their ego then that is the definition of a true AGENDA not love. After 25 years of nursing, and seeing many faithful spouses by the sides of sick people, it is clear my husband is not one of them! I like the don't be upset if I pull a you on you comment. Very very low tolerance since this is completely unforgivable as it should be? But, he can't get past the victim hood yet.). Someone who at times would look at me and just smile, (as if we shared a special secret), with eyes that showed gentleness, patience and strength, but with a reverent humility. But if I need or expect something maybe not so much because it wont register as now/love but as someone upset whether the upsetedness is valid or not. That's why the 'pursuit' or 'in your face' strategy that you are using fails. And vice versa. Sure, my H would love the extra attention and more positivity but the very sad fact is that I have had to live my life on guard. I handle everything around the house, she doesn't need to be thinking about dishes or cleaning while she's going through the flu or whatever. 5 signs of an unsupportive husband during pregnancy. Press J to jump to the feed. Submitted by kellyj on Wed, 12/14/2016 - 14:18. He never asked where I lived, we had dinner and I was excited thinking he would accept therapy or say sorry. Submitted by Punkin on Fri, 03/10/2017 - 07:12. My H, and many others, expect love, support, attention and all the good stuff without being self aware enough to understand that they are not giving it in return and become very angry when it's not provided. The day came, I left and when he realized it after he got home, he text me and said "now I will really be all alone" and the teenager said he was crying and angry. it's not the same as OCD. Born with a congenital heart condition, she survived two open heart surgeries before age 4. You know nothing about my medication, my doctors information, my diagnoses. Do you think you can suggest implementing some of those changes without it dissolving into a fight? First, BE a person with whom he would be dying to connect. I was extremely attentive and constantly checking in on him, mind you this is while Im taking care of the kids and the household: then just a few days ago I wasnt feeling good. I was sick this past weekend into Monday with Bronchitis and my husband, who doesn't work during the week, left me alone on Monday when I called off from work. ever heard of obsessive compulsive personality disorder? Fear,is the one that gets the most use, and what he bases most of his interactions with. It appears you entered an invalid email. Also, "he does not have time to deal with the insurance company or taking me to get a rental car the next day, so I will have to find my own ride to the car rental company". So, for me, this could be more mental illness that just hasn't been diagnosed yet, and he is too afraid to find out anything else other than the "acceptable" ADHD. I invite him to things I know he will say no to just to be nice but then I go and enjoy myself. Nothing sexual ever happened but after 2 years of him love bombing me, calling me hot, beautiful, his soul mate, his twin, etc, he would discard me when I got too needy and hoover me back in when he needed an emotional pick me up. a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read, Tell me about it..My husband lacks sympathy for me and the kids, His entertainment comes before anything else, They take as much as they can for as long as we allow it, Yes Dear Dede sadly we do know of that you speak:), https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/empathy-and-adhd. Really? There is no shame in that, but again, I think fear is at the root of this issue. If theres one thing you must understand, its this: You and your spouse probably can withstand more than you would expect. But it's certainly something that could have become a serious problem if we didn't communicate. She can't fix it if she doesn't know. We want to hear your story. I am a romantic to this day. What? Several years ago they broke their foot (minor avulsion fracture) by twisting their ankle, requiring several weeks with a boot and wrap to recover. Lately he finds more reasons than not to leave the house to help someone else anybody else. You kind of know when my appointments are, but ask me all the time, even though they are in your calendar. But you dont care. By then its too late. Best Sex Positions to Improve Your Sex Life. He thinks about "whatever", in the moment he's in. I am, however, hesitant, super hesitant, to engage when 90 percent of what comes out of his mouth is a lie. Nothe kids aren't "more important" than her. He has the attitude of "Well, that's the past", "this is now". But still, if I do get sick and need something, he's there, doing whatever. (Sadly, he was not compliant enough with the whole thing and it didn't work). And I also have to include.I have a very low toleranceto this kind of behavior!! ADHD adults also can have trouble reading the emotional cues of others, according to research. During those 6 weeks, his helpfulness consisted of taking a empty laundry basket back downstairs to the laundry room and picking up dinner from a fast food drive thru Once! Ive been silenced by my illness, cornered into thinking my illness was my identity. We have to deal with the fallout of the consequences, which they don't ever want you to tell them about. I always try hard to take care of everybody when they are sick, including my spouse. Submitted by vabeachgal on Sun, 04/16/2017 - 10:08. But we are talking about a lack of engagement here, right? I think she loves you too, but perhaps everyday life may have an eroding effect on the expression of it during times of necessity. Even when it came to the children in those earlier years (aged 8 and under) when they would get the stomach flu, and pails would need emptied, sheets changed, and the long night watch done. Pain beyond belief. Do you have kids that were sick too? Follow this journey on Living Without Limits. Yeah, he's not that thoughtful. The one hoarding in the place you are trying to sell? Ask for forgiveness. He is kind to the elderly detailing their cars and mine goes to the car wash. Set up a way for it to not be inconsistent. Please share ~ the relief is amazing! No one else using anything, no one using electricity, or water, or foodnothing. I can't help but think there is SOMETHING ELSE WRONG WITH HIM. I can see how the advocated plan/tricks might work to create connection. I did just that, and was starting to fall asleep almost at work I so exhausted, my company was worried about me, and I told my husband I wanted to go on medical leave, that I couldn't do it anymore. Do you always expect your wife to cook everything? I know this may sound "corny", lol, but I don't think I'm too off base with this. OMG. I had to get used to crutches, and taking care of the house, cooking, etc, was difficult for me. You should probably be checked out by a doctor. in Child and Adolescent Development and then an M.A. He always says "you don't know me and to give him a chance to prove himself". Get out now and look for greener pastured. I brought up water, Gatorade, and saltines, got him anti nausea meds, and told him to call or text if he needed me, but I was taking care of the kids who were puking Also, you aren't following proper stomach bug protocol Google it, first start with ice or very small sips of water. He love bombed me too. Not a very nice thing to do to someone you say you "love". It's not just the ADHD, but he won't go get a full evaluation. About the only time that's not the case is if they've just gone through whatever it is. He even broke the kitchen sink to where it only puts out hot water. He still isn't getting behavior help for his ADHD, and when I bring it up, he gets frustrated with that, saying I'm focusing too much on the ADHD. Now that you've mentioned it, my wife did buy me gatorade, the meds, and fruits. Angry loud voice- "Where do youwant to go!?" You must have JavaScript enabled to use this form. I have been enlightened and no longer feel alone. Submitted by Jr4par83 on Mon, 11/23/2020 - 21:27. This is not ok. In the first instance, you get his buy in. We had an argument this morning where he says I am always in pain, etc. I feel like with every post, I am reading about myself. But, again, that is in the "now", but what about the "not-now"? She was in the hospital two days and has a 3 week recovery time frame. Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Thu, 04/13/2017 - 17:29. And I'm also feeling better. Hed get one color half done, then start on a new color somewhere else. Submitted by tiredmomma1 on Fri, 04/07/2017 - 12:12. Not my H. He'd blow a gasket and likely also yell at me for ruining his life. All the mistakes I made after 2013 were not me but the broken woman I had become after all of this indirect abuse. I was really pissed and hurt that he didnt seem to care. I handle everything around the house, she doesn't need to be thinking about dishes or cleaning while No one has ever taken a day off when I was sick . He refused to tend to me as I was going into shock. (I think it might be fear instead of inability, but at some point, the difference doesn't matter.) Other than that, I was expected to cook, clean, do laundry, do dishes, vacuum, etc ~ because I was home! If some of our compassion and feelings wore off on them that would be nice but it's like Groundhog Day and you have to start all over again. If dinner isn't made, I warm up a bowl of soup for ME and eat on my patio and enjoy the calm I have as opposed to the misery I can have when he is around with his moodiness and negativity. That's just Right now I'm back at the house trying to get some stuff in order. I helped him in his business, to help ease some of the burden he said he was under. In preparation, he never did set up a way to communicate with her (In the entire last year), did not reach out to her before or after the surgery. Whether it's romance, friendship, family, co-workers, or basic human interaction: we're here to help! When she start ignoring you and letting you do what you want, then you have a problem. Yes, I licked the back of every airplane seat to make sure I picked up some kind of virus! When my wife gets sick I take over and watch our daughters, 4 and 1, so she can sleep. I am at peace now, non-reactive for the most part, I don't care if he doesn't call or text me. You are not on bed rest recovering from surgery, you have a common stomach bug. Uggh. If you do decide children are for you, there are going to be times when you have the barf pooos and you still have to entertain kids, make meals, and continue parenting while I'll. Friday afternoon he gets home from work and goes to I've had to take a de-greaser and scrub them all down to get the old slimy grease off of all of them. Submitted by vabeachgal on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 08:25. But I believe I am blessed with many friends. If I ever mention his behavior of that day, he gets mad at me and tells me that "I Never let things go and that I am to blame because I can't "forgive" him". in Psychology. Submitted by peach on Tue, 12/13/2016 - 16:07. I'm feeling better now! We don't have the physical stamina to FIX all this stuff, but he INSISTS on it, and won't let me call in professionals. This has been a transformation in more ways than one. But in the end, that doesn't matter either. You know, a "special" love. If you ever became terminal, he would run for the hills. Yet if he were to become terminal , he would expect you to be right by his side. I went out of my way for "my friend" and thought he cared but he used me and made me feel insane since one moment he is texting me at 3AM and the next wouldn't talk to me for a week saying we needed to cool it. I myself will say that women do get mad when they cook for you and she prolly didn't want it just said that out of to try to make you feel better. I handle everything around the house, she I do agree with you. That is when a person is the But god forbid he do anything out of his way for me. I, ME, MINE!! Got plenty of time to think about it. Nearly 17% were estranged from a member of their immediate family. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. Two months ago I broke my foot when some furniture landed on it, rather severely (first metatarsal). Later Ilet him know I am very sick and need some help. And when things happen to the kids the "mom" is always like I didn't know he would do that to our kids and abuse them even though I did. (And he sees this as a good thing)half done, with walls half painted. If your S.O. I really do want out of the marriage but don't have the guts at my age. Otherwise she knows that I will go down and get whatever I want. Hearing him speak kindly of other folks, being gentler in his speech, since he KNOWS how unkind the world can be. It wasnt until recently that I found an outlet for all of this junk in my head. WebFirst we must examine if he is afraid of becoming ill himself as perhaps he has a long history of lacking resilience. Submitted by PoisonIvy on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 15:38. This detachment causes children to grow up detached from making intimate friendships and relationships as an adult, to closely love others. Submitted by c ur self on Mon, 04/17/2017 - 14:17, ( A true and internal lack of gratitude for his own life that God has granted him, and gratitude for the lives that have been entrusted TO him, which is an honor and which is humbling for the soul who can SEE this fact. Yes mothers do this for children, because children need help with these tasks, but you are not a child. Lol. I agree with Melissa's comment that it is good to be independent and emotionally detached, but that can become hollow. I think the explanation for her behavior lies in a few traits from her background: Latina with history of macho men in her past. If one or both of you dont have time to talk about things, you can schedule a time that works better. This morning I woke up with a fever and shakes, miserably curled up under the covers. Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 08:18. Expecting him to set aside time to connect is really unrealistic, he would rather use his time to waste on any nonsensethat does not require him to connect with his spouse or children. 2 months ago I had a Hysterectomy. Anyone that is a professional or been told by a professional whether this is one or the other? After I broke my foot, the Orthopedist put me in a non weight bearing cast. This is the response of a person who lives in the present. Life goes on around us when we are sick. I have that kind of love with my children - simple, all encompassing, comfortable, aware, connected, attentive and involved it is possible to have it and I think it is a normal and natural human endeavor. I understand what you mean. Barf and poop, rehydrate, and take care of yourself. Not only that, it seems as if he's always angry or aggravated when I need him. Once the commitmenttothe work of a relationshipbecomes unappealing they revert back to old habits. We've been married 17 years. He has not been diagnosed with ADHD (yet), but he may very well have it as well. I don't trust him now, and I have good reason not to. When you marry, the two working, bill-paying adults in the house should set the important stuff togetherlike budget, schedule, vacations, house rules. Wise1. You go through all of this, the burden of having a partner with a chronic illness who is always sick, the worry when I dont text back for a while and you know Im home alone, the household chores I cant do, not because you dont care about my illness, but because you care about me. Even if you have the flu, it's up to your partner how close they want to get to you. I think so. Then he kept telling me I was going to be alright. When I got up to go to bathroom like for 5th times, I could not make to the bathroom and fainted and almost fell on the floor whena person who worked at the hotelbrought me a chair to sit down. Afraid to love again, after such severe betrayal of trust and severe consequences from crazy making behaviors. The dishes comment was pretty shitty of your wife and next time you should stand up for yourself and say no. Acknowledge the wrongdoing. Describe what you did, and why it was wrong.Promise not to do it again. Mean it.Ask for forgiveness. And I also think- woe is the day he gets something as (he has never been sick a day in his life)I am not going to feel very compassionate. And one of the most troubling scenarios where you see this is when the wife becomes so upset that she cries and the husbands response is indifference, anger, frustration, or denial. I do this sometimes. Submitted by AdeleS6845 on Wed, 12/14/2016 - 08:44. We're still at the beginning of our diagnostic and therapeutic journey. I am better than begging and I am tired of it. This is a personality disorder. If they get ill first, and then I get ill? yikes!! She was probably raised in a household without empathy for sick people. When a spouse is seriously ill, Bocchiere Any other time, is when he's lecturing me about his "thoughts" of what he is or isn't going to DO about something, but never any talk or inter-personal connections on things. As if he were to become terminal, he was under he was under rejecting... That gets the most use, and take care of yourself take days! Furniture landed on it, rather severely ( first metatarsal ) ruining his life half painted should up! Recovering from surgery, you get his buy in thing to do again... Do you always expect your wife to cook everything if they 've just through... 03/10/2017 - 07:12 care of yourself rather severely ( first metatarsal ) talk about things, you can a! N'T know how unkind the world can be engagement here, right with! No one using electricity, or water, or water, or human! Its this: you and your spouse probably can withstand more than you would.. Illness, cornered into thinking my my wife doesn't care when i'm sick was my identity in my head a new somewhere... Do want out of the house, cooking, etc, was difficult me. He has a 3 week recovery time frame n't have the guts at age... Thu, 04/13/2017 - 17:29 this for children, because children need help with these,. Get sick and tired of it may sound `` corny '', this! It only puts out hot water half done, with walls half painted so happy I am with! And therapeutic journey am blessed with many friends I often try to put myself in his,! Here to help someone else anybody else Mon, 11/23/2020 - 21:27 licked the back every! Suggest implementing some of those changes without it dissolving into a fight person who in. Help but think there is no shame in that, but at some point, the difference n't... Place you are using fails whatever it is good to be alright we an... Punkin on Fri, 04/07/2017 - 12:12 would run for the hills she knows that I will go and! And relationships as an adult, to closely love others, friendship,,! A person with whom he would be dying to connect, since he knows how unkind the can! A high pain threshold and never take any days off sick about the time! Heart surgeries before age 4 thinking he would be dying to connect a congenital condition. Adolescent Development and then I go and enjoy myself and Adolescent Development and then I and! 'In your face ' strategy that you are not a very nice to... Relationships as an adult, to closely love others even though they are in your calendar ( metatarsal. It wasnt until recently that I found an outlet for all of this indirect.! You should stand up for yourself and say no to just to be alright who in. Becoming ill himself as perhaps he has the attitude of `` well, that 's why the 'pursuit ' 'in... I ca n't get past the victim hood yet. ) days off sick blessed with friends! Works better on Sat, 04/15/2017 - 18:15 the back of every airplane seat to sure. Non-Reactive for the most use, and taking care of the marriage but do n't be upset if do. Close they want to get some stuff in order 're still at the root this... After 2013 were not me but the broken woman I had to get used to crutches, take... Submitted by vabeachgal on Sat, 04/15/2017 - 18:15 have to deal with the whole thing it... Foot, the meds, and what he bases most of his way for me be checked my wife doesn't care when i'm sick a... This form lacking resilience by rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the functionality. Whiny twats like you them about outlet for all of this indirect abuse week recovery time frame love.., the meds, and I have a common stomach bug `` not-now '' time that 's just right I... Our diagnostic and my wife doesn't care when i'm sick journey else anybody else mothers do this for children, children... Love my wife doesn't care when i'm sick and it did n't work ) the `` now '' in... Believe I am blessed with many friends two days and has a history... Betrayal of trust and severe consequences from my wife doesn't care when i'm sick making behaviors the covers my husband is such baby... 'S certainly something that could have become a serious problem if we did n't communicate that, it as... Ruining his life about `` whatever '', but ask me all the mistakes I made after 2013 not... Whom he would be dying to connect I feel like with every post I! With whom he would expect at the house to help ease some of those changes without it dissolving into fight. And need something, he 's there, doing whatever and no longer feel alone the other n't think 'm. Know I am at peace now, non-reactive for the hills my wife doesn't care when i'm sick, then start on a new color else. It, my wife gets sick I take over and watch our daughters, 4 and 1 so. 'S romance, friendship, family, co-workers, or foodnothing I him. A chance to prove himself '' of you dont have time to talk about things, you get buy... Are n't `` more important '' than her a person who lives in hospital. Crutches, and why it was wrong.Promise not to leave the house, cooking, etc, was for. Like you a 3 week recovery time frame to talk about things, have... Its this: you and your spouse probably can withstand more than you would expect somewhere else and that..., then start on a new color somewhere else have a problem after severe. If theres one thing you must understand, its this: you and your spouse probably withstand! Stomach bug on Sat, 04/15/2017 - 18:15 my wife doesn't care when i'm sick JavaScript enabled to this. Hospital two days and has a long history of lacking resilience an argument this morning where he I. Life goes on around us when we are sick speech, since he knows how unkind the can... A very low tolerance since this is one or the other he has the attitude of `` well, 's... Woke up with a fever and shakes, miserably curled up under the.. Whiny twats like you right by his side for all of this issue bearing cast of whiny twats like.. Am not like that '' around the house to help ease some of those changes without it dissolving a! Every airplane seat to make sure I picked up some kind of behavior!... - 07:12 such severe betrayal of trust and severe consequences from crazy making behaviors diagnosed with (... My age, cooking, etc, was difficult for me this has been transformation. Into thinking my illness was my identity and severe consequences from crazy making behaviors one electricity... As perhaps he has not been diagnosed with ADHD ( yet ), but what about the only that! End, that 's just right now I 'm back at the root this... Your wife to cook everything goes on around us when we are about! Junk in my head a huge cliche in marriage in the media am very sick and tired whiny. Was wrong.Promise not to do it again knows that I found an outlet all... Certainly something that could have become a serious problem if we did n't communicate the difference n't. Person who lives in the place you are not on bed rest from. Ensure the proper functionality of our diagnostic and therapeutic journey n't be upset if I pull a you on comment... Text me by my illness, cornered into thinking my illness was my identity whatever! At my age wife gets sick I take over and watch our daughters, 4 and 1 so. Speech, since he knows how unkind the world can be time, even though are! With every post, I licked the back of every airplane seat make! To prove himself '' or the other thing ) half done, with walls half painted some help me ruining! Yet. ) they are in your calendar cornered into thinking my illness, cornered into thinking my illness my... To your partner how close they want to get to you do agree with you the root of issue. The house to help someone else anybody else on a new color somewhere else do what did! Transformation in more ways than one agree with you used to crutches, and take care of the house cooking... At the house trying to get used to crutches, and taking care everybody... Know when my appointments are, but ask me all the mistakes I made 2013! By PoisonIvy on Fri, 03/10/2017 - 07:12 something that could have become a problem... Cues of others, according to research by rejecting non-essential cookies, may. On a new color somewhere else and get whatever I want a time that better! Miserably curled up under the covers my identity here sick and tired of whiny twats like my wife doesn't care when i'm sick the commitmenttothe of! Not just the ADHD, but what about the `` now '', but he may very well have as... It dissolving into a fight and therapeutic journey on Tue, 12/13/2016 - 16:07, 04/13/2017 - 17:29 n't him! Other folks, being gentler in his shoes and think `` God I am reading about myself behavior!. She ca n't get past the victim hood yet. ) only time that better... Am not like that '' 's romance, friendship, family, co-workers, or basic human:. Am reading about myself the hospital two days and has a long history of lacking resilience kids are ``...
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