Uh, No Thanks. My adult daughter (25) and her husband (27) are not thriving. My son-in-law works 20-30 hours a week and my daughter struggles with depression and takes seasonal jobs. Photo illustration by Slate. Have a question for Care and Feeding? You are having an incredibly challenging year, and in such times, people tend to show you who they areor at least show you how much they can personally understand or handle or grow. I Despise My In-Laws. Explain that the break up between you all was difficult and that your ex has negative feelings toward you, and while you wish things could be amicable, she has chosen to bring them into the conflict between the two of you. Help! A book based on the column titled Dear Prudence: Liberating Lessons from Slate.com's Beloved Advice Column will be released on April 4, 2023. And each day we get drama and fighting because he doesnt see the point to doing anything other than simply being quizzed on the words. Dear Care and Feeding, My brother "John" and his wife have three children. My husband hurt himself by accident and swore very loudly in front of our son. The collection features some of the most. I know that you love your daughter, and that as she grows youll delight in and be proud of her for reasons you cant even imagine yet. (It pretty much always is. slate advice columns care and feeding; July 13, 2022. slate advice columns care and feeding. My husband and I don't dwell on this, in fact . They attend joint therapy, but her mom doesnt seem to be making any progress. Im an advice columnist, not a psychiatrist or psychologist, but your sister-in-law sounds to me less like a person exhibiting bad behavior than one displaying symptoms of mental illness. Im pretty sure I am overreacting, but I still dont know if I should discourage him or not. They complain about weaponized body odor and accuse each other of always shouting at me. It used to be theyd at least pretend to be interested in how each others days had gone before the arguments started every night, but now they often blow up the second theyre both home from work. And the specifics of what you relate (her mother criticized clothing youd helped her pick out; her mother spoke disparagingly about her father), while not great, dont seem to me to fall into the category of abuse. Nor does an insensitive, dismissive remark about PMS. ), As to your second question: For goodness sake, stay out of it. I figured if he was hungry and didnt have his mother around as an option, hed do better with the second one later. Where do we go from here? $549,500 Last Sold Price. Is it time for me to back off and just let her do whatever she wants? Hopefully, the kids will learn to ignore their mothers claims about you. Co-host of Slate's "Mom and Dad Are Fighting" podcast, and he co-writes Slate's "Care and Feeding" advice column. I will tell you that if I were your 35-year-old and Id said, Ive got to go now or Ill be late for work, but Ill call you this weekend, OK? and you said, No, lets just wait until I call you in two weeks, I would have been hurt. I regret never having the college experience, having gone to school at night while I worked, and I really want our daughter to live on campus, whichever school she chooses. My Daughter-in-Law Is Blowing Up Over the Tiniest Little Thing. Charlie did not use any of the teacher's examples, and instead wrote a paper . If youre not already, you should seek therapy to help unpack the feelings youre experiencing. Let him cry, let him yell, let him say that he hates you and this decisionbecause it all comes with the package of a small human expressing his displeasure. I remember it as if it happened yesterday: Having multiple people approach me at once to tell me to get my life together when I was dealing with a drinking problem and untreated depression is what ultimately saved me. This is nothing at all to feel bad about, either. Have a question for Care and Feeding? I dont think she has a chance of making this team. The night of the dinner, she seemed hesitant about leaving and told me to text her if he was refusing a bottle, reminding me that she could be home in 20 minutes if needed. Im at a loss for how to keep her from alienating my kids from me without directly telling the kids their mom is behaving in an unethical, harmful, and manipulative way. You have to use headphones.". Have a question for Care and Feeding? Any kind of gloves: winter gloves, rubber gloves, gardening gloves, moisturizing gloves. Call me heartless if you want, but I have plenty of reasons to have this opinion. Ill say this as kindly as possible: Assuming she doesnt have any major physical or mental illnesses/disorders, your daughter and her kids have to go. The hard part is informing them that after this is over, youre done with being their financial and emotional savior. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. Recently, a flood of race-centered questions has taken center stage in the column. Ive asked Ella a few times about whether shes serious when she says these things, and she acts like Im the weird one for worrying that she might actually be suicidal! But my son said that for now theyd like some space, and hed like me to apologize to my DIL when we do get together. Except that in reality, I am now fulfilling the role of a father of three! And if you and your wife decide together that you dont like her mothers plan, being honest with her is the best way forward. Your letter was largely about other considerations, thoughnamely, your own wants and opinionsso lets focus on the lede you semi-buried here: Your own college experience wasnt what you hoped it would be. As I said earlier, most people in his shoes would step up and do whatever it takes to be a better human for their children and grandkids if thats required of them. This is not your problem. Dont get defensive or angry when it happens. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it hereor post it in theSlate Parenting Facebook group. Still, I see no reason on earth for you to play with gloves (and obviously your infant daughter needs to be off-limits, both for this and other games she is too small for). But I truly believe you can and will figure it out, especially given time and the right support. It Didnt Go As Planned. Now youve moved from nice guy status to pushover with no end in sight. My husband is obviously hurt by this, but he doesnt like to talk about it. She took classes at a gym in the next town over for the past three years and was naturally good at it. WhichI am just guessing heremight also be the case. When I talk to either of my daughters, there are often long silences, and Ill sometimes hear them sort of impatiently sigh. The next day he called to tell me they were very upset I hadnt called when the baby didnt eat. ao tw Howtobuild a land drain. I feel proud that we have managed to survive these past 10 months, which include a stay in the NICU, a major surgery, a global pandemic, child care and schooling hiccups, and two hectic work schedules. ); if thats not possible, ask him not to disturb you when you are in a session. She makes every visit to my husbands parents home excruciating. The column also answers questions about relationships between adults + their parents, adults + their relatives/friends/neighbors who are parents, etc. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. The point is that this wasnt your call to make. Edgy content focused on teens and kids can easily cause trouble. But your obligation to your 5-year-old child, to his mental and emotional health and well-being, outweighs your obligation to a grown adulteven a parent. If you and your wife dont want your mother-in-law to use the honorific from your native language, tell her, and tell her why. It also seems to me important to point out that if Daisys mother and father have joint custody, the time she spends with her mother is not visiting. Daisy has two homes. But if your confronting them goes nowhere, take heart: Youve got only four years left of living in this battleground. He has a temper that he cant control and will not do anything about it. How To Do It. If they are as miserable together as your letter suggests, its possible that theyre staying together for what they believe is your sake, because they fear it would be devastatingor at least extremely destabilizingfor you if they divorced. You can tell your daughter something like, Honey, after I do these two things for you, Im stepping away. My dad is in his 60s now and is starting to deal with a lot of the consequences of his age. First, congratulations on welcoming your third child, who is obviously very loved by her parents and, Im sure, her older siblings. I cant speak to your relationship with your husband because youve said little about it. (By comparison: For his 40th, my husband got $100 toward something he wanted and my father and I paid the rest. My first grader lacks intrinsic motivation for basically everything. And as time passes and your son gets older, you can make a decision about whether he needs to be excluded from these visits too.). I am a woman of color; my wife is white. Dear Care and Feeding, My 33-year-old sister has two daughters (10 and 8) and is in a dead marriage. Id suggest family therapy if I had any faith it would work, but Im sure at this point they just need to burn the relationship down and start over. Ive tried to compromise with theme namingfloral names run in my family, and there are plenty of ways we could give our kids names that are flowers that dont sound anything alike, but my husband responds by saying that bad eyesight and crooked teeth run in both our families (our 3-year-old already has glasses and will likely need braces in the future) and we might as well name them after glasses brands or local dentists. (And if you cant bear to be around your sister-in-law, dont. As her mom, keep instilling in her that being cute is wonderful, but it means nothing unless youre a good person. I change diapers, cook for 3.5 people, clean house, constantly pick up clutter, babysit, shop for, and well, you name it. I grew her myself. I live in a small town and would hate to alienate others in my community with a harsh response, but I wish they would stop focusing on her appearance! I love the privacy of home because no matter how bad the world gets, i have my little reprieve right here. Though Im sure youve given this some thought, let me remind you that you can take your ex to court to try and force her into mediation. Ill wait. And everyone I know with grown kids seems to have much more frequent contact with them. Now I usually say, Thanks! However, my ex clearly does not view it the same way. Shell go so far as to contradict her own self if it means not only disagreeing, but demeaning and degrading me for my opinions. He asks for privacy when he does, and I say sure. Hes not particularly ill-behaved, nor has any other adult in any setting expressed similar concerns. 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